@ArfMeasures: ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks- ME: I'm bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back AT: You're expelled

@TheToddWilliams: [Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive [penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

@chouse_Js: Eventually we’re just gonna have to accept “ducking” as a swear word

@EastKentTom: Instagram's down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

@abbycohenwl: I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I'm in there