My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
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If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?