My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
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The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!