My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
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Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
This could be us, but you weedin’.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe