Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. đ
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Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Iâve watched this over 100 times and I still canât figure out how he did this
âWhoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ainât got nothing to do with me.â
–The horse they rode in on
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Spongebob | (â˘)(â˘) |
Patrick / (â˘)(â˘)
Squidward ( (â˘)(â˘) )
Plankton | (â˘) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: Itâs âyou have bags under your eyesâ but you donât have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If I tell you I will do anything for you, donât get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Divorce Attorney: I canât just write âirreconcilable differencesâ on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
i just blocked everyone whoâs face i donât like, so if youâre seeing thisâŚhiii
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
My girlfriend said, âIs there basketball on?â then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, Iâm like what is she doing? Sheâs napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Is anyone gonna tell them?