@mishakey: My kid's teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I'm like I do. I'm player 2.
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@OfficialBanks93: If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he'd have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i'm gonna see why it aint working
@3sunzzz: 1900: Let's filter coffee. 1950: We need to filter cigarettes. 1970: We should really filter water. 2015: I want to filter my face.
@goodballs: [sees girl reading Lord of the Rings] "Ah I love that book. The way that guy is just [clenches fist] the Lord of all those freakin rings."
@mishakey: I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.