Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
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pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit