My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
You Might Also Like
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.