My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
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Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
That’s no pocket rocket.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”