@DistractedMomma: My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.
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@TheAlexNevil: Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid's teacher's way, & all of his crafts projects will "mysteriously" disappear after being graded.
@TheMichaelRock: Coworker: Do you party? Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that I stay up past 11pm. So yeah.
@ficklenuts: Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.” My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
@causticbob: My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed. So I've sent in my wedding album.