@DistractedMomma: My kids use all the toilet paper, dictate when I sleep and eat, and destroy everything I own. My house is its own little communist country.
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@TheBeerGuy73: Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can't remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
@MandiAtRandom: Him: Will you marry me? Me: omg what did I do, why don't you want to have sex with me anymore?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Did you use my highlighter? 2-year-old: Me: 2: Me: 2: No. Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
@PaulyPeligroso: This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I'll taste it nonetheless.