[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
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Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.