My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen