@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
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@KimJongSean: The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who's half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
@coryrichardson_: me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD... a pretty huge d- her: Don't say it, im leaving [later] me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn't like dolphins
@DurtMcHurtt: [funeral] Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring? *sliding it off his finger* Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe...
@TomItUp: "You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?" "I'm just here to take out the trash." "Whoa, we'll get to your catch phrase later."