@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
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@CrapLocalNews: Breaking news:
@anildash: Shout out to everybody home for the holidays telling their family about conversations that happened online by saying "My, uh… friend said…"
@SomthinBoutSara: I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
@TheBeerGuy73: Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake. I know this now.
@brianbowman73: I shot a man in Reno, Just to watch him cry. It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
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