@MmeSurly: My kids wouldn't stop asking me who my favorite is so I said the dog & now they're crying and I'm like THIS IS WHY THE DOG IS MY FAVORITE.
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@El_nacho_Nigre: So, if 4 out of 5 people suffer some medical condition, does that mean the other 1 person enjoys it?
@johnofah: Pluto wasn't even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
@brennadine: Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship? I lost him to addiction. Therapist: I'm so sorry. Drugs? Yes please.
@thatUPSdude: Can't figure out if my dad is defusing a bomb or trying to answer his cell phone. It's tense! "The green one dad, not the Red one!"