You Might Also Like
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Breaking news:
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
The days of good grammer has went
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.