Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
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oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.