My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
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Money is the root of all wealth
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Um … Hot Wings please
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.