[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
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“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
SCARY COSTUME
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas