Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
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i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
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I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please