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[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime