My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
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Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Pandas 🐼🖤