*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
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Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir