My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
me when i see my girls butt
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Wait a second…
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Good morning.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
There are 2 kinds of twitter.