My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
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Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
*frowns in Scottish*
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
thank god
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈