[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.