The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
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Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me: