my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
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yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.