my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
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Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum