My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
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Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Best mom ever 😂
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic