@KimMonte10: My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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@AnkCoupleTO: [she comes home with a doggy bag] Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
@ComedicBust: [hiding in a pantry during a robbery] Wife: [terrified and crying] Me: [eating fat free Cheez-Its] I seriously can't taste the difference.
@Parkerlawyer: I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds. So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
@MaryKoCo: If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it's almost not worth it