@KimMonte10: My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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@PhuktUpScott: My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn't sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
@lynnbixenspan: I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
@famouscrab: you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous