My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
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[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Before crowbars crows drank alone
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult