@OBiiieeee: my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
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@BuckyIsotope: HORSE: *walks into a bar* BARTENDER: Why the long face? HORSE: Updog BARTENDER: What’s updog? HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
@patnspankme: People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
@WillGeorgese: “Relax. It’s not a competition.” “Right. That’s what I say.” “But I said it first.”