@TheTweetOfGod: My last name is Zilla.
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@squirrel74wkgn: Me (answers phone): HELL-o Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83 Me: Please leave a message
@DanTaylorAuthor: Me: *gets in from fishing trip* Girlfriend: did you catch anything? Me: *sighs* just an old boot Girlfriend: okay, what's she called?
@abbycohenwl: Bring an urn speed dating. Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, "I don't know, Mom: should I tell him?"
@TheHyyyype: "hush little baby" is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism