My last name is Zilla.
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when you are just born a rebel
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
We’re all getting idioter.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Sign of the day..
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
My life in a nutshell
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.