My last name is Zilla.
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I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago