My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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Lucky old June.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.