My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
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I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
We’ve all been there…
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam