Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
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Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
be careful
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.