@MrMichaelRose: my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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@MrMichaelRose: I think it's obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
@AnkCoupleTO: Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife's trying to murder you Me: How'd you know? P: *sees knife in my back* I'm good
@Brianhopecomedy: After I saw that my wife "Checked In" to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.