my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day