my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
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If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Saturday
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.