@sammyrhodes: My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.
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@Sharronica: Uber Driver: How was your day? Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man. Uber Driver: How do you know him?
@Donna_McCoy: I knew I'd pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
@StinkyGr33n: *Creating bees* God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem. Angel: Sure thing, boss. God: Give 'em the greatest knees of all time