@sammyrhodes: My leg brushed against the toilet in a Starbucks bathroom. Goodbye leg. You were a good leg.
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@NurseMurderer: I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
@rockymomax: I have good news & bad news "bad news 1st" I died youre talking to a ghost "OMG & the good news?" I broke the world record for eating bees
@internetluke: Man down! Send in back up! *wife comes rushing in the room* "What happened?!" *i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
@Brampersandon_: WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman? ME: uhh MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her