My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
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want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*