My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
You Might Also Like
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
guys I’m going home
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!