@FunnerGunner: My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
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@david8hughes: You can't keep eating people's lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you've been stealing is pork for one thing.
@Fuzzylogic2009: I've stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
@1Happytwit: HR said I'm not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I'm supposed to use though, they wouldn't tell me.