@FunnerGunner: My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
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@daemonic3: Your honor, may I approach the bench? Judge: You may *benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps* The defense rests
@JohnLyonTweets: I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.