@FunnerGunner: My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
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@LnL245: "Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun" *drops string cheese* "This hole is no cause for alarm" *picks up string cheese*
@nowarranty: If I say, "Don't worry, I'm on it," there's a 98% chance I'm referring to my couch.
@FUN: Most laughs that you hear on TV shows today, were recorded in the 1950's. Means, technically, you're likely hearing dead people laughing.
@Gre_Gone: [Entire house is full of trees] Girlfriend: What did you do?! Me: You told me to spruce things up. GF: Everything's stuck to everything!!!