@FunnerGunner: My lesbian neighbors asked me what I wanted for my birthday. They gave me a Rolex. I think they misunderstood when I said, "I wanna watch."
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@WheelTod: I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
@HeyHosey: Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs walked into a bar. Two animated gifs w[ESC]
@amishschool: My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
@TheMichaelRock: HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid? Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid. HR... Me: There's no past tense with that one.