Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
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This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.