If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.