My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
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It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.