@ambamthankyamam: My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English".
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@thecrabbyhook: My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
@Smug_Lemur: [God creating the octopus] Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
@PascalSloths: Petting my dog with a spatula cause I'm too lazy to reach and he is too lazy to move closer Why is there a spatula in my room?
@Pirate_nurse: It's 6 am and I've already referred to a patient as "the one with the tig ol biddies"...wonder what time HR gets here