@ambamthankyamam: My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has "other pedicures to do" and doesn't "speak English".
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@OkieGirl405: I changed my relationship status to "I'm sharpening my knives" on Facebook so my boyfriend's family will never come visit
@internetluke: [vet office] Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up. *doctor walks out* "Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we- I'll take my cat elsewhere
@ImLeslieChow: "I wasn't that drunk!" "Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story."
@Brianhopecomedy: A conversation between 2 vegans: "I'm a vegan." "I'm a vegan too." "Oh." "So...you're a vegan?" "Yes, I am a vegan." "Me too."