My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
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It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life