My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
where do you see yourself in five years?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*