My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.