My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
😂😂😂
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.