My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
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this could fix me
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
6: are snakes just neck?
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon