oh my god
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Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
I didn’t realize that was an option
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late