what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Me too door. Me too.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.