@drunktweets81: My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.
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@pleatedjeans: At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
@ThaJawn: *breathes on window creating condensation *starts to write in condensation *sneezes *head slams into window and breaks it