@drunktweets81: My life is like a beautiful piece of furniture from IKEA. Once I figure out how to put it all together, I may get to actually enjoy it.
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@blade_funner: Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I'd just go to prison.
@FuttyNudgekins: When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder...does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
@MrLloydSpandex: A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, 'What would Jesus do?', so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.