My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
New tinder profile pic
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.