My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
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I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Single and childfree like Jesus
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.